Hanoi trip was a trip that I really looking forward. I thought I can have some kind of peace in mind, at least for the five days. However, it turn out to be another way. Some other concern started bothering me. I have a very happy family of 4 and we will always travel together. i was thinking what if my sister has her own family, then how the family trip will be like? Most likely I will have my own room instead of sharing with my sis (just like the past years)? Then I will be sitting alone in vehicle when transfer from 1 place to destination?....etc.

To resolve this, either I quickly form my own family or just get myself ready mentally for this change. I'm not kind of person who will commited to relationship (at least for now). May be I have not meet anyone can change the way I am.. so the first approach will not going to work. So i think the best way now is to get a permanent travel buddy, i guess or just be alone throughout the trip... :s

Now back home, these questions still resounding in my head.. together with other 'outstanding' problem I'm having. Anyway, I know everything will be sorted out, according to it's timing. Nothing I should worry about or  keep thinking when it definately not helpful. Instead, in God i trust.

During long holiday, i always wanted to keep in touch with you. To know what you are doing, to hear if you are doing fine. Anyway, as usual I don't get reply from you. eventhough this is an usual event, but I still feel disappointed and feeling upset... in the first day of CNY.
I tell myself, I will not let this bad feeling stay too long within me... I tried at least. Last year, many times I dwelled in melancholy, but I do not want to stay that way this year. anyway I'm hard headed, so I will still care for you.

by looking all the entries in this blog, may be you will concluded me someone emo, depress, loser or whatsoever. this blog will not encourage you (which defeat the purpose of this blog) cuz i only blog when i feeling down it seems. when i happy, i usually will not have time to do it. so when you see i rarely blog, either i happy all the time or i too depress until i dun feel like doing anything at all.

hopefully by next year, the purpose of this blog will revive, me myself will revive... happy new year to those who read this.

you are too sad until you can't even cry, have you been thru this stage?

you have a problem, and this problem will caused hurt to both parties. and you cherish someone so much and no matter how hard it is, you will keep everything in your heart.

you know by keeping a distance with someone will ease your pain, but also will caused someone to worry and sad. so regardless the pain, you will pretend like nothing happen and continue become like who you were.

on and off, you just can't help it and started to depress. but to avoid people become so caring and worry, again you tried very hard to hide it, as if you are fine and okay.

it is all because your feeling had gone too far and wild, which you shouldn't at the very first place. and you need to bear the consequences.

 

i never text anyone to inform that i'm home safely, it never my habit. until there was a time, we always hang around here and there, you were so insists that i gotta text you when i home. after few times of being reminded, finally i picked up and i make it as a habit. but until some time, i can sense that you are kinda reluctant to receive this kind of 'notification' neither you wanna reply those 'notification', need not mention you wanna inform me that you are home safely.. i feel kinda upset. nevermind, i slowly get rid of this habit. i feel i kinda stupid.

also, there was 'once upon time' we used to go dinner together, may be a week once. there we talked stuff, talking everything under the sun. then, till now, can you tell me when was the last time we both had dinner? may be with group of people, you willing to go for a dinner or something.... well, another change.

most of the message i sent to you, always no reply. may be most of the time when i text you, maxis network will down. or somehow the message went missing. or may be you do not like to text ppl... until i noticed actually you are not. and well, i always the special case. fine....

i just feel that you intented to keep a distance with me, may be i'm sensitive. sometime i wonder, am i the one who you built wall the most. do you do the same to your other best friend? i really have no guts to tell you these, tell you how i feel, my friend

i always thought that we are good friend, but things started to changed and i started to tell myself, may be to you, i'm just another friend. lately i was very down, then you told me that you will always there for me, and you ensure me that i'm a friend that important to you... etc i was like..... 'huh'!!?? you will never know that  the email is the most hurtful email that i ever read. sorry, i really doubt that you care for me, what i can see is  distance. and along  the distance, i found the vestage of those walls that you have built all these while.

one thing i can ensure you, no matter how you treated me. i'll always there for you whenever you need me. i don't need to tell you this, i'm sure you know it. because i'm a very convenience friend... when you found someone else to lean on, you can feel free to walk away. one day when you look back and need a shoulder, you know the stupid me still be there for you.

You will never know it's a joy when I talking to you. You will never know you able to put a smile on my face when I see you smiling at me. When you are not well, I feeling down too. When you pissed me off, I will get angry but when you approach me, I will forget whatever that make me mad.

Every moment I spent with you, it delight my day and make my day meaningful. Whatever you asked for, I will do it with my best. Just to make sure I will get rewarded with a smile from you.

there are feelings inside me that I will never wanna show it to you; there are words that I will never wanna tell you; there are hurts that i will never wanna make known to you, just because i can't afford to take the risk.

You got the power somehow.

1. dishonesty
2. always not replying sms
3. bossy
   
4. always showing emotion
5. bull-shit / cold lame joker
   

i dun understand why i put this up... may be lately i met ppl that give me this kind of shit...

either you keep your mouth shut, dun ever tell )(*)*%#^% lies or stupid lame joke or bull shit like we are retarted.

if you are not happy with anything, just speak up. dun always give that kind of look cuz ppl around you are not feeling good. once a while, i can understand you are stressful and need a break, but pls... dun over-do it. it really put me off.

you are not boss, cuz you are not paying me. so dun act like a $!@#$!@#$@ boss.

anyway, i think i need to tell this to myself too... to avoid i pissing myself off.

i rest my case.

sometime i just feel that i can't tell you those unhappy stuff with that fella. somehow i feel that in your mind i'm prejudice (well, you can say this is my assumption), if that so,then i think many ppl are prejudice towards that fella.

you always say i'm putting you in a difficult position, so what you want me to do? being a freaking lame hypocrite and tell you i'm fine and put a freaking big smile plus shake hand with that fella? perhaps if possible get a high resolution camera to take down this golden, unforgetable moment? sorry, i can't do it... and i can't fake it..

i know what i'm doing now is not a right way to get it resolve and i know what is the right thing to do. but i just need a listener who just listen to me, and perhaps gimme a smile, if this is not demanding. i think i can feel very much better.

 

many people ask me how was the trip to Pekan Baru, and i will tell them how terrible the road was (6 hours bumpy, up and down, straight and curve journey, plus the seat inside Inova), what i had for food, how my hand get injured, how frequent i feel angry...etc. until jessie asked me what i learned... oh yea, something i didn't share about..

well, what i learn, or i should say, these are how i feel whenever i go and come back from mission trip:-

1. rejoice and be contented with what i have
2. dun complaint as they are many are even worst
3. love those who i cherish and God like there is no tmr

only 3 area, but it is not easy as we go thru our journey of life.